1
00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:10,760
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

2
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,760
PHONE RINGS

3
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,000
Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?

4
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,760
It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.

5
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,320
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!

6
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,800
Wake up.
Well, are you?

7
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,720
No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk

8
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:47,320
and the parasite is really
kicking off.

9
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,320
Dad, she called me parasite again!

10
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,000
Well, you are a bloody parasite.

11
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,800
You've ruined my body.

12
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,200
Ruined it.

13
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,920
You have to go, Wicky, end of.

14
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,360
I've got plans.

15
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,520
The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.

16
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,160
Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.

17
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,640
Have you not learnt from last time?

18
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,960
It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle

19
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,160
during the King's Speech.

20
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,360
You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.

21
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,400
It's Christmas, Wicky.

22
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,960
You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.

23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,800
YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.

24
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,400
Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.

25
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,040
Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.

26
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,240
Nigel's mum's allergic.

27
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,640
Her throat puffs up like a toad.

28
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,080
Who the hell's Pablo?

29
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,280
Dad's new dog.

30
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,480
I love Pablo!

31
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,800
Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.

32
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,880
My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.

33
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,000
He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.

34
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,080
Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog

35
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,880
when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.

36
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,520
And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're..."

37
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,040
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."

38
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,200
Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.

39
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,960
He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.

40
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,800
And you're going to end
up just like him.

41
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,280
Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.

42
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,120
It's Christmas.

43
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,160
Nigel!

44
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,800
Will you open this bloody boot?!

45
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,040
Right, then.

46
00:01:58,520 --> 00:01:59,560
Let's dance.

47
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,320
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,

48
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,600
but mostly fake marble and Formica.

49
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,840
Two hours 30, tops.

50
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,920
And then Turkey, pint, new horse.

51
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,440
Let's have it, Santa.

52
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,480


53
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,800

the tree for me

54
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,520


55
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280


56
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,960


57
00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,600


58
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:04,400


59
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,440


60
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,680


61
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:10,720


62
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,920


63
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:26,920

toni...

64
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:27,960
Hey!

65
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,480
Get out of it.

66
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

67
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,920
The parlour's closed.
The parlour's...

68
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,800
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert...

69
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,240
What are you doing here, kid?

70
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,960
It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,

71
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,120
I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.

72
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,680
It's Christmas Day.

73
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,920
It is also Sunday.
Right.

74
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,560
OK. Listen, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,

75
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,960
Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.

76
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,400
Most shops are closed.

77
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,840
It's Christmas Day.

78
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,920
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.

79
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,080
He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.

80
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,640
Now, could you please inform
Alberto that

81
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,680
I've arrived for my peach melba?

82
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,440
OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.

83
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,320
I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,

84
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,840
but Alberto's passed.

85
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,080
On. He's passed on.

86
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,720
He's...

87
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,240
He's gone over to the other side.

88
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,440
He's left this earthly plane.

89
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,920
He's a...he's a cloud gardener.

90
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,240
He dances with the angels, Robert.

91
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,480
He is...

92
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,280
He's got two goose arms.

93
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,720
You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.

94
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:50,760
I'm afraid so.

95
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,280
Oh...

96
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,160
Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.

97
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,320
For my journal.

98
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,520
Oh, OK.

99
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,760
He was killed. How?

100
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,120
A bad man hit him with a plank.

101
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,080
A plank is not a suitable weapon.

102
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,560
It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.

103
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,040
Yeah, I know, but...
Was it a plank or not?

104
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,440
It might have been a bat.

105
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,080
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?

106
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,360
Cricket?

107
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,280
Alberto was battered to death.

108
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,480
Cricket bat. ..bat.

109
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,160
I didn't do it.

110
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,720
I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.

111
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,040
You better go home.

112
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,720
Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.

113
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:43,240
That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses

114
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,800
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.

115
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,240
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.

116
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,680
Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.

117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,720
I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.

118
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,080
So...

119
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:03,400
But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,

120
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,040
clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...

121
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,120
Robert Kendrick. Yes.

122
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,560
PHONE RINGS

123
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,240
HE SIGHS

124
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,080
I'm not going.

125
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,280
We've just popped in there.

126
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,200
Listen, he's really sorry.

127
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,040
He says he thinks
about you all the time.

128
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,400
He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused

129
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,040
by his lactose intolerance.

130
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,320
Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?

131
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,880
He's going to write you a letter.

132
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,320
He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?

133
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,160
He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.

134
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,480
I love Pablo!

135
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,000
Yes, we know.

136
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,000
First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.

137
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,040
If I could turn back time.

138
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,360
I'd like a peach melba,
please.

139
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,560
Am I missing something here, mate?

140
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,000
The parlour is closed.

141
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,840
You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.

142
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,040
I should have formally
introduced myself.

143
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720
I haven't forgotten your name.

144
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,040
The parlour is closed.

145
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,200
My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.

146
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,840
At least we're getting some
new information through now.

147
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,360
I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.

148
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,360
Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.

149
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,960
And I'm autistic.

150
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960
Yes, well, that's...

151
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,920
..fantastic!

152
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,560
Is it...because of the...

153
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,120
..welcoming...

154
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,320
We want to include, welcome.

155
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,600
We're all welcome here, aren't we?

156
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,160
It's the pizza of life.

157
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,760
What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.

158
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,360
We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.

159
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,920
I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit

160
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,880
autistic, aren't they?

161
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,640
No.
No.

162
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,840
Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?

163
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,480
No, I'm not autistic.

164
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,720
You're autistic.

165
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,360
And that...is...good.

166
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,840
Alan Turing was autistic.

167
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,040
The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code

168
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,840
during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.

169
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,880
Do you know what the authorities
did to him?

170
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,760
Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.

171
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,480
They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.

172
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,200
Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.

173
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,920
Well, I know that feeling.

174
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,160
You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.

175
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,720
I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.

176
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,640
I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck

177
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,760
to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone

178
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,000
levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.

179
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,800
Have you found you're
developing breasts?

180
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,920
Peach melba.

181
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,080
Coming right up.

182
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,440
And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?

183
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,520
Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?

184
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,280
Erm...

185
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,720
..the police gave me permission. Hm.

186
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,440
The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.

187
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,120
Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line

188
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,880
for health and safety reasons.

189
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,680
The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,

190
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,720
and they have confirmed
that I am safe and...

191
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,120
..health.

192
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,400
How do you make a melba?

193
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,000
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.

194
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,440
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.

195
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,960
One scoop of peach ice cream.

196
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,360
Then cream on top of the ice cream.

197
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,400
Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.

198
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,320
And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes

199
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,640
is raspberry sauce. Right.

200
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,280
And then a chocolate stick.

201
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,320
Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.

202
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,400
LOUD CLANGING

203
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,440
So...

204
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,520
Vanilla. But the... What's next?

205
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,520
But the... What's next?

206
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,840
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.

207
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,640
But that's not vanilla.

208
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,880
That is banana. There is no banana.

209
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,160
OK.

210
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,800
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.

211
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,600
Not a problem.

212
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,880
And...vanilla.

213
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,440
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.

214
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,160
It's a peach melba, after all.

215
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,760
And then...cream.

216
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,160
And - I haven't forgotten -

217
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,120
white chocolate flakes.

218
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,320
Thank you.

219
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,480
And next... Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.

220
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,560
In a...? Arcing motion.

221
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:38,240
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.

222
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,040
Finally...a chocolate stick.

223
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,360
Except I get two.
Except you get

224
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:51,120
two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert...

225
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,360
..Kendrick.

226
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,960
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.

227
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,720
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.

228
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,800
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?

229
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,440
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.

230
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,920
Do you find me irritating?

231
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,800
Oh, well...
You seem to find irritating.

232
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,360
I don't find you irritating.

233
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,840
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.

234
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,880
Not...to...me.

235
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,320
The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.

236
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,920
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?

237
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,160
It's just a fact.

238
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,640
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.

239
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,920
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.

240
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,320
I'd better go back to university!

241
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,680
ROBERT WHIMPERS

242
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,520
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.

243
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,800
My fault. It was my fault.

244
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,520
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.

245
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,840
I'll clean it up.

246
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,000
That's my job.

247
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,840
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.

248
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,560
Who killed Alberto?

249
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,360
He was nice.

250
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,800
Why would anyone want to kill him?

251
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,400
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be

252
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,080
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was

253
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,400
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?

254
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,200
You do know what it means.
Of course.

255
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,800
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly

256
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,800
being unfaithful to his partner...

257
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,120
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,

258
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,800
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,

259
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,920
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.

260
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:32,960
Yeah.

261
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,520
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.

262
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,920
What's Runcorn House?

263
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,600
It's a placement.

264
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,720
A home?
I don't like calling it that.

265
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,560
It's not the right word.

266
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,800
Listen, I've got to go.

267
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,880
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.

268
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.

269
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,640
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.

270
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,640
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?

271
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,960
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.

272
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,800
I really like the jokes!

273
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,200
What's the wettest animal
in the world?

274
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,240
A RAIN-deer!

275
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,000
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?

276
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,560
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES

277
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:13,640
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed

278
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,800
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.

279
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,320
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.

280
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,200
And when was that?
When I was 14.

281
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,560
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?

282
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,080
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.

283
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,520
He what?

284
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,680
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,

285
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,120
so he pushed me off my chair.

286
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,960
And quite rightly too.

287
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,520
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.

288
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,160
But that's...that's not true,
Robert.

289
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,680
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me

290
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,240
this was an emergency lie.

291
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,680
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me

292
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,160
in a treatment unit.

293
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,200
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.

294
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,600
Until one day my dad came
and told me

295
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,880
that I had to go into a placement.

296
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,440
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.

297
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,680
No? No.

298
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,840
Listen,

299
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,480
I'm sorry he left you.

300
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,000
Why?

301
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,520
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy

302
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,680
and be moving around a lot.

303
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,200
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.

304
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,240
Right.

305
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,080
Every Sunday, my father knows

306
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,760
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.

307
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,120
He might even come today.

308
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,440
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.

309
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,960
Robert?

310
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,040
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?

311
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,520
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?

312
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,720
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.

313
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,160
Do you not like your father? Why?

314
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,640
I suppose because once
you're a father,

315
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,840
you're not supposed to be selfish.

316
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,400
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.

317
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,200
Hmm.

318
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,600
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.

319
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,720
ALARM BEEPS

320
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,360
Oh, come on!

321
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,840
No-one told me about this.

322
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,520
No, I'm not doing this.

323
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,560
No.

324
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,560
DOOR LOCKS

325
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:00,760
HE GROANS

326
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080
HE KNOCKS

327
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,040
Robert?

328
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,960
Robert! Robert?

329
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,760
Robert, the door's stuck!

330
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,560
Robert? Robert!

331
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,520
PHONE RINGS

332
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

333
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,920
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.

334
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,160
Who is this?

335
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,840
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.

336
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,960
Wicky? That's a strange name.

337
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,760
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.

338
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,800
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?

339
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,840
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.

340
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,640
Is this another Christmas joke?

341
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,160
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.

342
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,440
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.

343
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,640
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs

344
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,760
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?

345
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,920
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.

346
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,640
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.

347
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,760
But I need Alberto's permission.

348
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,440
But he's dead. Do you remember?

349
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,360
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.

350
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,920
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the..."

351
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:33,720
Robert?

352
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,200
Robert?

353
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,000
Are you still there?

354
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,080
I'm sorry.

355
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,880
Alberto was my friend.

356
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,120
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.

357
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,680
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.

358
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,680
RIP, Alberto.

359
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,560
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?

360
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,880
Robert? Robert?

361
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,960
Robert!

362
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,760
Robert! Robert!

363
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,000
PHONE RINGS

364
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,800
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

365
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,600
Good afternoon.

366
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,560
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.

367
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,720
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.

368
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,680
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.

369
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,880
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer

370
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,280
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.

371
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,160
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.

372
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,920
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!

373
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,680
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?

374
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,320
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.

375
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,720
Robert, do you have your own phone?

376
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,240
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.

377
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,080
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,

378
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,280
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,

379
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,680
thank you very much. Robert...

380
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,200
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?

381
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,480
I couldn't give a shit.

382
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,400
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

383
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,600
Robert...

384
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,960
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,

385
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,360
but if you want to talk about it,

386
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,040
we'll talk about it as
much as you like

387
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,560
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.

388
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,760
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line

389
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,920
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?

390
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,680
Would you phone 999?

391
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,840
But that is the emergency services.

392
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,560
Yeah, because here's the thing,

393
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,640
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.

394
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,520
I need you to call the police.

395
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,760
Has a law been broken?

396
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,040
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.

397
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,640
Sorry. Sorry.

398
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,440
Call the police.

399
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,240
But they will ask questions.

400
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,480
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.

401
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,160
Remember? I promised my father.

402
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,640
I am your father!

403
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,080
What? I don't know.

404
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,400
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.

405
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,240
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.

406
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,760
Your father is wrong, OK?

407
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,040
The police are
the right people to ring.

408
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,320
They'll know what to do.

409
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,560
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.

410
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,240
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend

411
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,200
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers

412
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,880
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse... What? ..and there

413
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,120
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a

414
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,720
megaphone wearing a blue jacket...
Robert... ..with "police"

415
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,720
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded

416
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,760
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof

417
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,560
of an apartment building... Robert!

418
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,200
Yes?

419
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:44,320
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come...

420
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,240
Hey, Robert?

421
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,960
Is my phone up there?

422
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,000
PHONE RINGS

423
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,240
Sis. Sis!

424
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,000
Shithead. Have you been round?

425
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,360
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.

426
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,880
You've got a situation?

427
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,360
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug

428
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,680
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts

429
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,960
and drinking Babycham.

430
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,480
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.

431
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,160
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.

432
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,600
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?

433
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,000
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen...

434
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,520
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.

435
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,200
Step away from the bloody rug!

436
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,400
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.

437
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,640
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,

438
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,160
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.

439
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,680
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.

440
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,560
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.

441
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,080
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.

442
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,080
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!

443
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,240
Thank you.

444
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,000
PHONE RINGS

445
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,800
Robert Kendrick?

446
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,760
I thought it might be you.

447
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,000
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.

448
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,200
Robert Kendrick.

449
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,960
I don't understand.

450
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,480
I found a letter.

451
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,560
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."

452
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,560
A letter from my father? But how?

453
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:53,240
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after

454
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,200
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.

455
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,640
Something like that.

456
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:00,480
What does the letter say?

457
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,240
I don't have permission to open it.

458
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,000
Opening other people's mail is...
It's a criminal offence.

459
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,760
And I don't have permission, Robert.

460
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,560
You have my permission.

461
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,280
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission

462
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,880
or the judge would throw
the book at me.

463
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,640
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?

464
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,760
What book would the judge throw?

465
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,640
The Bible.

466
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,840
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells

467
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,360
Please. Please. Please.

468
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,840
One...

469
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,200
..two...

470
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,720
..three...

471
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,440
..four...

472
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,440
..five...

473
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,680
..six...

474
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,280
Hello, Robert Kendrick.

475
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,680
You lied to me.

476
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,560
There's no letter.

477
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,760
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?

478
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,320
You're a liar.

479
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:18,400
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.

480
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,640
I'll get it.

481
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,280
There.

482
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,680
Uh... I thought I might
read it for you, if you...

483
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,800
"Dear Robert, this is your father."

484
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,240
Oh, it is him.

485
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,360
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.

486
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,280
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday

487
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,400
"since we said goodbye."

488
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,600
He remembers.

489
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,560
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.

490
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:10,320
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.

491
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,440
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes

492
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:17,360
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.

493
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:21,800
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.

494
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,520
"Go off and enjoy yours

495
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,040
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,

496
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,840
"I am always thinking about you.

497
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,440
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,

498
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,640
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.

499
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,400
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.

500
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:44,240
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.

501
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:48,600
"Take care, with love, your father."

502
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,760
Well, that was lovely.

503
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,440
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.

504
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,480
Yes, I liked it.

505
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,560
May I see it? Hmm?

506
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,600
The letter? May I see it?

507
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,240
If you want to.

508
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,040
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.

509
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:19,080
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.

510
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:28,880
It's a nice letter.

511
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,280
It is a nice letter.

512
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,920
Thank you, Wicky.

513
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,440
But he's not coming back, is he?

514
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,120
I don't think so, Robert.

515
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,200
So, what are your Christmas plans?

516
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,240
Between now and 5:42, I mean.

517
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,440
KNOCKING

518
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,840
Son.

519
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,600
Dad.

520
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,360
I've, um... I brought a new friend.

521
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

522
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,200
Hello, Robert.

523
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,360
I've got a new friend as well.

524
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,160
I can't believe you bought a dog.

525
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,560
You always wanted one, didn't you?

526
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,280
You remembered.

527
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,560
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS

528
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,000
No. Your sister's only
just told me.

529
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,720
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.

530
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,360
Where are you going?

531
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:50,560
Lock-in at the pub.

532
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,600
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.

533
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,440
You should have got a ticket.

534
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,320
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.

535
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,400
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.

536
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:06,880
There we are. Thanks.

537
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,520
Cracker? Yeah.

538
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,520
Hey! Hey, I win!

539
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,960
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.

540
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,480
What's the joke? What's the joke?

541
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,600
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?

542
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:16,920
Dunno.

543
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:18,520
ROBERT LAUGHS

544
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,040
I don't know, Robert!

545
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,640
Robert, what's the punchline?

546
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,800
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING